How many of us have put things down and then cannot find them again just a few minutes later? This is not a modern phenomenon and I'm sure that many readers will have sympathy with the predicament in which Lowestoft teenager, James Bishop, found himself during the long, lonely Winter of 1725.
For several months James, an apprentice ship's-carpenter, found himself in agony with stomach pains. The abdominal cramps became increasingly severe and when after 6 months of agonising torment, he began to urinate blood, James finally plucked up the courage to consult a surgeon Mr. Robert Payne. Mr Payne carried out a thorough examination but could find no evidence of intestinal disease and no obvious cause for the pain. He therefore came to the conclusion that young James must be suffering from a bladder stone and prescribed a physic accordingly.
However a month later, James returned to the doctor in even worse pain and with a mysterious swelling which had appeared on his left buttock. It had the appearance of a hard tumour and sat proud about 3 inches from the anus. For several days James was in torment and passed all manner of noxious substances in his 'doings'. During an examination by the increasingly perplexed Mr. Payne, three prongs of metal burst through the swelling followed by a large quantity of pus and foul-smelling matter. James's pain was instantly relieved and with his backside in the air, Mr. Payne cut a circle around the metal prongs and grabbed hold of them with a strong pair of forceps and began to pull the object out. James screamed in agony as the doctor wrestled for several minutes to remove the stubborn object. Finally with James lying flat out gasping with relief, the object was dropped, clattering into an enamel kidney dish. The fetid, fecal matter was rinsed off the mysterious object and revealed to be.... a 7 inch long ivory-handled fork!
The doctor looked incredulously at the somewhat sheepish James, who did not seem to be conveying the quantum of surprise that he would have expected, having just had an item of cutlery extracted from his buttocks.
James then 'remembered' that several months previously he had suffered a bout of 'constipation' and in the absence of any other remedy had decided to poke around his rectal passage with the smooth ivory handle of one of his mother's best forks. Unfortunately it had slipped up so far into his fundament that he had been unable to retrieve it. He then forgot all about it and even a month later when the stabbing stomach pains began, he never associated them with the misplaced tableware.
Mr. Payne found the case so remarkable that he wrote up the case for a prestigious medical journal, no doubt with a wry smile making a mental note not to stay for a meal next time he paid a house call to old Mrs. Bishop.
In a shock announcement Duncan Bannatyne has revealed that he and Lady Colin Campbell are set to marry in the New Year.
The dour Scottish entrepreneur disclosed the couple had kept their hot jungle romance a secret for the sake of Ant and Dec. The former ice-cream man mumbled gruffly;
“It was love at first sight. Once I saw her chowing down on those testicles I knew she was the woman for me. It was an instant attraction and away from the cameras we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.”
He added; “We had to keep the banter going for the sake of the ratings. Ant and Dec had worked so hard on their scripts, it was a shame to let them down but I think the public may have smelt a rat. It’s hard to hide desire that intense.”
Sharp-eyed fans of I’m a Celebrity had tweeted throughout the show that Duncan was rarely seen without his hat covering his loins when in the presence of the lofty potty-mouthed socialite.
Constipated ghost-botherer Yvette Fielding let slip that fellow celebrities were forced to share the dunny with the amorous couple who used the camp khazi for their love trysts. “It was quite off-putting trying to curl one down with a pair of panting pensioners heavy-petting in the corner” she winced uncomfortably.
Lady C. speaking from her penthouse suite at Claridges, remained coy on her future plans with the elderly multi-millionaire Glaswegian who suffered a heart-attack in 2012, stating simply;
“Normally I refuse to confirm or deny anything the oiks say, but suffice it to say that Duncan has everything I look for in a man.”
It is understood that the couple have negotiated a seven figure sum with ‘Hello’ magazine for exclusive rights to their unconventional honeymoon which will begin with a return to Croc Creek and a recreation of the genital-based bush-tucker trial which so captivated the twice-married tycoon.
Curried old goat is almost certain to feature on the menu, whilst it is believed a spectacular Jamaican ginger wedding cake topped with chocolate flakes and sugar strand sprinkles is currently under construction at the six star Palazzo Versace hotel.
“The symbolism of their respective roots is obvious” said an insider close to the couple, “Everyone knows Lady C. loves nothing more than hundreds and thousands.”
Monocled middle-weight ‘buffoon’ Chris Eubank denied any knowledge of the imminent nuptials. “I haven’t been asked for counthel” joked the colour-blind puglist, tipped to be Lady C’s best man.
‘Pretentious Piffler’ Tony Hadley also remained tight-lipped on whether Spandau Ballet had been booked to perform at the wedding, “They’ve been in touch with my agent- I know that much is true” quipped the Old New Romantic.
A spokesman for Ant and Dec refused to be drawn on reports that the pint-sized funsters were spotted in the Newcastle branch of Mothercare admiring page-boy outfits.
Made in Chelsea’s Spencer Matthews was similarly unavailable for comment ‘on medical grounds’ to answer rumours that he has been commissioned to provide ‘entertainment’ at the glittering ‘A’-list celebrity event.
Tales from the